"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" Review

I don't think I've ever seen a movie with as much pre-release judgement towards it as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Mainly due to the involvement of producer Michael Bay and his controversial preproduction plans. I can't say I've ever been more than a casual viewer of the Turtles franchise, so I never really had any sort of outrage. I'd seen the earlier films, I watched the cartoons as a kid, so I had a fleeting knowledge of the source material. But I really had no idea what to expect going in. 

As part of an experiment, four box turtles and a rat have mutated into human sized ninjas. They hide under the streets of New York secretly fighting the villainous foot clan, until reporter April O'Neill spots them and wants to expose them to the world. 

There is a lot wrong with this movie, but I find it best to start with what they got right. As opposed to the Transformers series, the main creatures have distinct personalities and are actually enjoyable to watch. They really nailed it here. They're witty, athletic, dynamic. They steal pretty much every scene they are in. It's a lot of fun to see these Turtles come to the surface and liven up an otherwise listless and dull movie. Which brings me to the debit section.

For a Ninja Turtles movie, they take their sweet time building up the reveal of the turtles. And it's really not for any reason. It's not as though we are going to be surprised that the secret vigilantes are turtles. It's in the title. You're not hiding anything. 

And there is far too much emphasis on the humans. This takes the sole issue I had with Godzilla and pours salt in the wound to make it worse. We are treated to a dull story about how April O'Neill is somehow connected to the origins of the Turtles and how everyone wants to manipulate that fact. What would have been nice is to have gotten the actual turtles more involved.

Further, we find an extreme lack of depth. This update to the Foot Clan as somewhat of a terrorist organization could have been a lot more interesting if they actually had some kind of intention or motive. Or one that didn't sound so cliche when you actually find it out. This is a surface movie with a hollow shell. (Pun intended). In addition, this movie is highly unoriginal with some of the hammiest dialogue and predictable plot points. The cliches come after another like one of Shredder's blades. 

Megan Fox has potential, but she really doesn't have talent. She is flat, wooden and working for a paycheck. If she had a little more dimension to her, I wouldn't have minded the human focus as much. Next time, try Emma Stone. She's talented and a red head. Two things that April O'Neill needs. 

The only other saving grace is Will Arnett, who I have always been a fan of. In a movie that really sucks the fun out of the Turtleverse, at least Will adds to what little there is. He's great comic relief that doesn't shove itself down your throat. (And if you pick up on the Arrested Development reference, let me know. I laughed hysterically.)

To sum it up, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is more appropriately labelled recycling than garbage, It's a rehash of a lot we've seen before, which needs 50% more Turtles. 

D